Happy Father’s Day from far away, Dad.
Today is June 21, 2020. It is my first Father’s Day without you here on Earth.
This is for you because not doing Father’s Day just doesn’t seem right.
I wrote this 10 years ago on Father’s Day (June 20, 2010):
Dear Dad: I Love You. I Miss You. And I’m thankful for you! Thank you for teaching me how to respect people, work hard & be who I am perfectly well. I will think of you all day, with my cowgirl hat on & country music filling my heart!
I could not have known then what I know today.
“Missing you” meant something much different than the way I miss you today.
Taking Back Your Father’s Day Gift
Last year, your Father’s Day gift came a little late. You still got it before it was your time to go. In fact, you set it next to your side of the bed.
I had a picture of us with the lyrics to the song we danced to for the Father/Daughter dance at my wedding, “My Girl” etched in the background.
Without you here this first Father’s Day, my heart is so broken. So, this week, though it felt sort of selfish, I asked Mom if I could maybe keep it. She willingly gave it to me.
And now, I set it by my own bed. I swear it both kills me and gives me peace when I look at it.
Father’s Day from Far Away
I feel lost without a lot of words today.
I’m praying that next year is easier on my soul so I can thank Ryan even more than I’m desperately trying to do this year. As my own Father, you always knew he deserved it, and I know you thought the world of him.
Anyways, for today I’m going to see you for the first time since you left at your grave. And this is huge for me because I’ve been stuck in anxious patterns around it.
Dammit.
A year ago today, we had no idea that July 9 (one of the worst days of my life) was coming.
And if I had, I likely wouldn’t have left your side that entire Father’s Day day.
Though I’m cherishing you from so far away today, it still feels like a knife to my heart. Every single day since you left has been hard, and today is icing on the cake. Except that it’s nasty icing, and I wish there was no cake at all.
Dear Dad: I Love You. I Miss You. And I’m thankful for you! Thank you for teaching me how to respect people, work hard & be who I am perfectly well.
I really, really miss you.
Xox,
SKH
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